


100 Days of Saeran Choi

by ilupant



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, M/M, Mental Instability, More tags to be added, Mutual Pining, Other, Past Abuse, Pining, Slice of Life, cursing, i just thought it sounded good, nonbinary reader, the '100 days' doesn't mean anything
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-12 20:28:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 15,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28766337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilupant/pseuds/ilupant
Summary: A collection of one-shots of varying lengths featuring Saeran Choi
Relationships: Choi Saeran/Main Character, Choi Saeran/Reader
Comments: 5
Kudos: 64





	1. Liquid Sunrise (SE Saeran)

Sometimes you wonder what it is that Saeran thinks about as he gazes out of the window.

You don’t get to see him often. He’s rarely in the messenger, and the RFA’s meetings are few and far between. But every time you all gather, you get to look at Saeran like it’s the first time you’ve ever seen him.

You get to see the slight curling of his hair. The cherry-red strands jut out in some areas and curl inwards in others, splayed out across his forehead and barely reaching his eyes. The edges are somewhat frayed, you note, and you wonder if that’s a result of repeated bleaching and dying. The tips curl just around the apples of his cheeks, and they look impossibly soft to you. There’s a slight yellowish tint to his hair as the sunlight bathes him from the window he’s looking out of. It resembles a liquid sunrise.

Saeran has one of his elbows propped up on the table, his chin resting in the palm of his hand as he observes the outside world, and you can tell that he’s traveled far away from the rest of you. You try to imagine where he’s gone, but your mind draws a blank.

Saeran’s eyes, a glimmering, brilliant mint, dart from one area to another as he gazes out of the window. You’re curious about what they focus on, what it is that draws such undivided attention. A selfish part of you wishes that you could share in the wonders of his world, but you try to stifle that desire as soon as it makes itself known.

Sometimes, the voices of the RFA seem to fade out of focus for you, becoming white noise in the background of your narrative. The smell of the coffee that Jaehee has brewed barely registers in your mind. Zen bumps into you from time to time as he gets too excited while speaking with the rest of the members. You hardly notice, and his apologies fall on deaf ears.

The evening sun is bathing the room in a soft, golden glow.

It’s when Saeran’s looking out of the window that the constant ghost of a scowl that he usually wears seems to fade away. He looks at peace, you think. It’s hard to believe that this is the same hacker that the RFA feared only months ago.

You can’t imagine it. You look at the Saeran in front of you, and he completely captivates you. There’s something about him, such a quiet, profound presence, that draws you in. It takes you by the hand and leads you nowhere. 

You know that you’re little more than another ghost to him. Another member of the RFA, bumbling about in the background of his world, little more than a blip in the complexity that is his life.

But you can’t help hoping. Despite yourself, you hope that someday, there will come a time where you will understand what it is that flickers through his eyes as he looks out of the window. Maybe, if you’re lucky enough, you’ll be able to become a part of his world. Perhaps he’ll be ready for it if enough time passes.

You’re not sure what Saeran is looking at as he gazes out of the window. You’re not sure what thoughts run through his head. You don’t know what all he keeps to himself, behind lock and key, secured away from curious eyes.

You’re not sure if you’ll ever know. But there’s a part of you that holds out hope.

Maybe someday, he’ll tell you.


	2. Mountains (SE Saeran)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saeran's healing, and it hurts. You're there to remind him that it's okay, and that it's supposed to hurt.

Part of you was sure that you were the only one who had ever held Saeran like this. 

He felt so malleable in your arms- breakable, vulnerable, and frightened. He was trembling, fingers digging into the fabric of your shirt like you were anchoring him to reality. Like if he let go, he would slip away forever, never to be found again. Saeran’s head was tucked beneath your chin, face hidden away. Your arms were curled around him, a single hand holding his head, your fingers threading into the strands of his rubied hair. 

Saeran, usually so guarded and stony, felt soft to you, curled into your arms. But you knew that there was nothing glamorous or gentle about the suffering that plagued him. 

Saeran seemed to be hiding from the world, folding into you like he wanted to melt away, to dissipate into nothing. It was clear to you that he was searching for some small escape from this world and the feelings that plagued him. He wanted respite, even if just for a moment, but he would never truly find it.

You knew that this was a person who had known little kindness throughout the course of his life. Saeran was used to scorn, to cruelty and malice, to nothing but an endless cycle of trying to please and always falling short. Nothing about Saeran’s reality had been welcoming, and the delicacy of the clouds that he loved was a luxury he was consistently denied. 

Saeran had been battered and broken. Abused and torn apart, ripped at the seams, thrown to the dirt and buried by the hands of those he had once trusted. He had been left for dead.

Saeran had never had the opportunity to just be. 

Even now, though he had won his freedom, just being was a daily struggle.

Saeran was allowing you to see him at his most vulnerable. He was hidden away in your arms, trembling into your form, and holding onto you like a lifeline.

You could have been like the others. You could turn your back on him. You could choose to twist him until he snapped. You could continue the cycle and leave him for dead. But Saeran was trusting that you wouldn’t. 

Saeran was trusting that you would be the first person to welcome him as he was. 

And you would. 

You would allow Saeran passage into your world, just as he was giving you a glimpse into his. You wanted nothing more than to see Saeran for who he was, even if that meant he would inevitably fall apart in your arms as the shadows and demons of his past shackled themselves to his ankles. He would never truly be free from the ghosts that haunted him, but you endeavored to remind him that he would not have to fight alone.

Saeran could exist as he wanted, be who he wanted, for however long he wanted.

There were steep mountains left to climb. The rocks were jagged at their edges, cutting into his feet, and crumbling under pressure. It was not pretty, but it was healing. Every nightmare, every flashback, every drop of rage so bitter it burned the tongue- they were all sharp, slated rocks, jutting straight into the path that Saeran was trying to traverse.

But there was another side of life beyond those rocks. Though mountains were casting shadows over his line of sight, there was sunlight that lay beyond. 

It would never be perfect. But it would be better.

Saeran would never have to bear any of this alone again.

And you whispered that to him, into the strands of his hair, as tears leaked from his tired eyes.


	3. Singe (Suit Saeran)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The flames of Saeran's anger are scorching him, and you're singed in the process.

There was a dichotomy between what you were hearing and what you were seeing.

Saeran’s face was twisted into a nasty glare, eyes focused on you with an intense rage, like the very sight of you was enough to make him seethe. Sharp words were aimed directly at you, taking flight like throwing knives spinning towards a target. You tried to stand strong, to bear it all like it meant nothing to you, but you couldn’t lie to yourself like that.

You had never been backed into a corner this way before. You were tense, shoulders rigid, and your clammy hands were curled into tight fists. Your jaw was clenched so stiffly that your head was beginning to ache. The dull throbbing seemed to reverberate in your mind as you fought to keep your wits about you. Your mind was spinning like never before, thrust into a whirlwind that you hadn’t expected.

_ “Airhead.” _

_ “Stupid.” _

_ “Useless.” _

_ “Good for nothing.” _

It was jarring to be the target of such malice from somebody inhabiting the same body as the man who had treated you with the warmth of sunlight, like you would break if not handled with the utmost delicacy. Just two days you were being escorted through colorful gardens with air as sweet as honeycomb. 

Now, you could barely remember the feeling of rose petals beneath your fingertips.

Saeran’s black suit was a direct, deliberate contrast from the magenta jacket and khakis you’d come to associate with Ray. But he still had the same pallid skin and purple eyebags. Saeran’s hair still curled into his eyes the same way that it had two days ago, a dusting of rosy pink at the tips of strands of silver moonlight. Saeran had been groomed, hand-crafted by the fingers of an aureate woman sitting delicately in her throne, somewhere deep within the ornate walls of Magenta. Saeran was everything that Ray was not, yet they remained one and the same.

Though the sun had been replaced by the moon, you could still see.

It was glaringly obvious in the depths of Saran’s eyes. They betrayed the same vulnerability that you had seen in Ray. You could feel the instability draped over Saeran’s shoulders, so heavy that he could barely remain upright. His boastful words and empty promises did little to hide the suffering he claimed to have overcome. In fact, the suffering was all that you could see.

It nearly choked you. 

You could see it in the trembling of Saeran’s hands as he threw them about, enunciating his points with grandiose gestures and shallow threats. The foundation of his world had been cracked from the very beginning and it was crumbling beneath his feet. Saeran was quivering from within, burning at the feet of his own rage, consumed by the very parts of him that he claimed kept him strong. 

_ Strong. _ It was a strange term, two-faced and misleading. What Saeran saw as strength was the same thing that was devouring him. Flames were lapping at his feet and curling up around his body, constricting him, burning him alive. He was unyielding, clearing the path for his own downfall.

Saeran claimed to reside above everybody else, but he stood in front of you, alone. 

You couldn’t quite decipher everything that was being thrown at you. You could barely process your own thoughts. They were too numerous for you to pick apart, swarming around you as you struggled to take a single breath. You could focus on little else but keeping yourself glued together. Despite the fact that you were able to keep your face straight and your legs from quivering, a part of you was still afraid.

But you were not the only one. You could see the very same fear reflected in Saeran’s eyes, like pools of glittering twilight that sought to swallow you whole. 

You were not the only one pretending.


	4. Comfort (Unknown)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You don’t understand your boss, and perhaps you never will. But he brings you comfort, and morals are fading into the background.

You had come to find some sort of comfort in your boss’s presence

It had been longer than you’d cared to admit since you’d been taken here. Not for the first time, you found yourself wondering how much easier this all could have been if you’d only told the truth. Going into a stranger’s apartment had to be better than this- better than this dark room, its plethora of computer monitors, and the suffocating air of a place twisted beyond belief.

Why couldn’t you have just entered the passcode? Why couldn’t you have just told the truth?

Why had you felt the need to lie to him?

Even now, you still shuddered at the memory of his sudden appearance. His voice had scared you out of your skin, and you knew the instant you looked at him that you were in trouble. His eyes, a glimmering mint, stared at you with a strange, frenzied intrigue, and you couldn’t move. You were prey, and you knew that there was no escape. 

And just like that, you’d been dragged away, abducted to a cult in the middle of nowhere. Even now, weeks into your ordeal, you didn’t quite know where you were. Acclimating was more than tough- it was impossible. You could barely code, you couldn’t understand the atmosphere of this place, and you were far too frightened to try to help yourself.

And then there was him: your boss. 

You didn’t know if you would ever find out his name. To you, he was always just  _ Boss. _ He was the person who brought you here, the person who single-handedly destroyed your life, and the person who dictated everything that you did. He could pierce right through you with a single glance, forcing you into submission with a single quirk of his eyebrow. You were far too anxious to resist because you feared what would befall you if you fought back 

You knew that you meant little to him, but that didn’t stop you from trying to figure him out.

You didn’t understand much about your boss or his agenda. You knew that he was angry, hellbent on some sort of revenge towards people you didn’t know. There was a white-hot fury in his eyes when he spoke about his enemies, the hypocrites and traitors that ruined his life. He would rant and monologue endlessly, words ablaze. There would come a point where you weren’t even sure if he was talking to you anymore. For all you knew, he had forgotten about you completely amid his rage. 

This place was foreign to you. It was dangerous. You knew better than most that unsavory things happened behind the dark shadows that slept in the nooks and crannies of this building. You could feel a constant skittering of fear across your skin, igniting your flesh into a plethora of goosebumps, and there would be nothing that you could do to bring you any comfort.

It smarted that your boss had brought you into this all just for the sake of wanting an assistant. He sought to best his enemies in every way possible, and you just happened to fit into an open slot. His words were burned into your brain, playing on repeat, reminding you forever of the cruel absurdity of your predicament.

_ “You can be my assistant.” _

_ “Right… He said he has an assistant. I’d like one, too.” _

_ “Should I use… you?” _

And that was it. 

That was all that you were from that moment on. You were a liar labeled as an assistant, at the disposal of an unhinged boss who was too volatile for you to understand. He was unpredictable and frightening. You had spent weeks sitting by his side, dutifully doing what you were told, and bearing his shouting when you made the slightest mistake. You were never quite good enough, but your boss kept you close. He was an enigma in so many ways that your head ached when you thought too hard about it.

Perhaps that was why you would find yourself looking over at him from time to time. You knew that it was wrong to be interested in him after everything that happened, but you couldn’t help it. What else could you do?

You couldn’t deny your intrigue. There was something about him that piqued your curiosity. Whether it was the color of his eyes, the strands of silvery moonlight hair with blushed tips, or the frenzied look he wore with such practiced ease, you didn’t know. He seemed like he belonged to a world outside of your understanding. He looked like he knew a universe beyond yours, tucked away into the depths of a suffering you would never feel.

His world was enticing. It beckoned you with shadowy hands, stained by the madness that had turned him into the person you had come to know.

You wanted to know what was going through his head. You wanted to know who he was and how he had ended up here. You were desperate to find out what had turned him into the person that had dealt such misfortune to you. You struggled to understand what had connected a person like him to someone like you.

There had to have been so many others for him to choose from.

So why you?

At the end of the day, you understood that your lamenting would get you nowhere. It was clear that, for the foreseeable future, you were stuck. You doubted that you would ever get out. 

You weren’t sure if you would ever understand your boss or the strange things he spoke about. You doubted that you would ever stop wanting to fight your way past the thick, calloused shell he resided in. There would be no understanding why you had become so curious, but there was no denying that your interest was what fueled you. 

Maybe you would never feel the sunlight on your skin again. You feared that the feeling of wind caressing your cheeks, curling around you like tendrils of cotton candy, would be forever gone. There was a chance that you would remain endlessly stuck in this building, in this small room covered in computer screens, soaked in darkness and fear.

Perhaps your boss would never see you as anything other than a means to an end- something to be used as a tool to achieve the revenge that shrouded his mind in an enraged fog. You would never truly understand why you cared about what you were to him, but there was a part of you that wanted to be more than just a tool. You wanted to think that there was a reason behind all of this. You had to understand why you were here, because if this was all just mindless, cruel fate, you weren’t sure if you could live on.

But for now, you were still here.

You had started to feel a semblance of respite around him, like you could relax, because this was the only place that felt familiar. The person beside you, driven mad with thoughts of vengeance, was the only person that you had come to connect with, even if you didn’t understand why.

After such a long time spent frightened out of your mind, cowering away, and struggling to survive from one day to the next, you were too exhausted to keep making sense of it all. You weren’t sure you even wanted to understand anymore. You were desperate for any sort of comfort. You wanted to have a single moment where your heart wasn’t shoved into your throat, suffocating you, deflating your lungs until your chest caved in on itself. 

You had come to terms with the fact that you would never truly know much of anything.

All you did know for sure was that somewhere along the way, you had started to find comfort in your boss’s presence. It was ill-advised, but you didn’t care.

Perhaps it was because he spoke to you about the depths of his rage, and you had come to sympathise with the betrayal that plagued him. Perhaps it was because you’d spent hours as a personified weighted blanket, sitting in his lap, trapping you in place as he typed away for hours. Perhaps it was because he wanted you to watch him destroy his enemies. He wanted your eyes to witness the pressing of the keys that would inevitably lead to the destruction of those who had stripped him of his dignity. You had gotten used to being too close to him, his chest against your back, his chin on your shoulder, his arms around your waist. You had grown accustomed to the warmth of his person. 

He was so close, yet so frustratingly far away.

No, you didn’t understand him. And perhaps you never would.

But somehow, you had come to the conclusion that if you continued sitting here, silently watching as he furiously typed lines of indecipherable code, that something would change. Maybe somehow, everything would start to make sense.


	5. Decrepit (Unknown)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saeran's world had split in two, and he clung to you despite knowing that you could never fix him.

There was hardly anything more infuriating than the feeling of tears smeared into Saeran’s face, staining his skin and soaking her sweater. No matter how many times she would murmur gentle consolations, telling him that it was okay, he would never quite believe her.

The world had split in two once more. Nothing would ever be okay again.

Saeran’s fingers dug into her sweater like he was trying to claw right into her. With every labored breath, every shaky inhale and watery exhale, his body shuddered so hard that he could feel his skull threatening to shatter. Saeran could feel the metaphorical shackles around his ankles, keeping him chained in place, and his mind seemed to have turned on itself. All that he had done up until this point, all of his preparations to tear down his enemies, felt like nothing. What had been his reason for living only an hour ago was now reduced to little more than a blip on his consciousness- a reminder of his consistent failures and of those who strove to bury Saeran under the weight of his decrepit past.

He felt angry. The white-hot rage singed his insides, blazing so infuriatingly hot that Saeran could hardly breathe. There was an unbelievably dark misery that he couldn’t stop choking on, a constant reminder of his inadequacy that remained lodged in his throat. It tasted as rancid as the chemicals he was forced to ingest daily, soaking him completely until he was iced to the bone, teeth chattering and breath turning frosty white. His tongue was melting away. Saeran couldn’t speak past the cries that fell from his lips.

It was unfair. Saeran was doing everything right, following the Savior’s every word, and working himself until he was little more than fine dust fitting through the air. He did everything for nothing, running himself ragged for results that never came. It would never be enough, but he could not afford to stop trying.

Saeran was losing, and the world would never stop stepping on him. He could see it all: the closet, the chains, bottles of beer, golden eyes, petals that seemed to have fallen from rainbows. He could also hear the filthy lies, the screaming that permeated his brain, and endless betrayals that clung to him and would not let him be.

This was all supposed to make it go away, but nothing had changed.

It wasn’t working.

_ It wasn’t working. _

And even as she held him, whispering soothing words and threading her fingers through his hair, Saeran could not find respite. He clung to her regardless, like his pain would abide if only he had someone to hold onto. He knew that tomorrow, they would act as if none of this had ever happened. She would talk to him like usual, performing her regular duties. She would look at Saeran like nothing had changed. They would both pretend that she hadn’t seen a thing.

This wasn’t the first time, and it wouldn’t be the last.

She pressed her lips to the top of Saeran’s head gently, ghosts of gentle words unable to reach him through the fog of his suffering. She was warm where Saeran was cold. She was soft where he was jagged. And yet, she was here, by his side, willing to let him twist and turn her to his liking. It didn’t make any sense, but nothing ever did. 

She was still there. If nothing else, she hadn’t left. Saeran was alone, but he wasn’t by himself.

Saeran’s fingers dug into her sweater a little further. It must have hurt, but she didn’t say anything. She never did.

Even through the haze of his shredded mind, Saeran could faintly hear the thumping of her pulse beneath his ear.


	6. Failure (Ray)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ray looks over you, knowing that you never be the same. And yet, as he mourns your loss, he can’t help hoping that you’ll still smile at him when you open your eyes again.

Ray wasn’t supposed to be here. He knew that. The Savior had told him to stay away. 

_ “You have your own duties to attend to,” _ she had said.  _ “You’re busy enough as it is.” _

The Savior was right. She was always right. There had always been hours upon hours of endless work awaiting Ray in his room. Normally he was feverishly devoted to his duties, working himself to the bone to please the Savior. For the past year, that had been all that Ray cared about.

But none of that felt important right now. Ray couldn’t even begin to think of anything other than you. As he looked at you with wide eyes, blood drained from his face, Ray knew that there was no way he could return to work as if everything was okay.

This should never have happened. You should never have been in this position. Ray hardly knew what to do with himself as he stood over your bed, vision blurry as he took you in. Your skin was covered in a thin sheen of sweat, the blankets around you tousled and mussed like you’d been writhing in your sleep. Your face would periodically twist into a grimace, and the occasional whimper worked its way out of your mouth, twisted, filled with agony. 

Ray was no stranger to the pain that was coursing through your body, wrecking your mind, ripping you to shreds from the inside out. It had done the very same thing to him, time and time again. It had dragged him into a deep, dark abyss, and he hadn’t been able to free himself. Ray could see the same happening in you, and he didn’t know what to do. The Savior had told him that this was necessary- that this was the only way that you could remain in Paradise with them. And the Savior was always right.

But you were suffering in front of Ray’s very eyes, and that was so wrong that he could barely breathe.

Ray approached you slowly, as if you might crumble away should he move too quickly. He neared your bed and leaned over you, droplets of tears already staining his skin. He raised a single, shaky hand, lightly tracing the apple of your cheek with his gloved fingers, as if to ascertain that you were actually there.

This might have been the first time in his life that Ray wished that you weren’t directly in front of him. But your skin, heated with fever, was undeniably real against the tips of his fingers.

A watery sob fell from Ray’s lips, filling the air like it was trying to mock him.

How much elixir had you been given to have collapsed this way? How much of it had been shoved down your throat for you have been reduced to this near catatonic state?

Ray’s worst nightmares had been realized in front of his very eyes, but he couldn’t look away. He couldn’t leave you to sit through this alone.

Ray could feel his heart being torn apart. His chest was caving in, deflating, threatening to take his entire being with it. Ray would have done anything to take your pain away from you. He could bear the pounding headaches, the neverending nausea, the unrelenting disorientation. He would have torn himself apart for you to go back to your usual self. 

The sunshine could return to your gaze, and your lips could curl up into a smile as you smiled at Ray gently, telling him how well he’d done, how much you cared for him. You could exist among the flowers, as soft as their petals, as kind as the clouds in the sky.

But as much as Ray wished that he could trade places with you, he couldn’t. You were laying here, unconscious, left to fend for yourself against the agony storming your body. 

Ray hadn’t been there for you. He wasn’t there to help you when you needed him most. He had been unable to protect you like he promised you he would. 

What had you felt in that moment, all alone, when Ray hadn’t come to save you? How terrified had you been while the elixir was forced down your throat? How abandoned had you felt when unfamiliar eyes had been glued to you in your worst moments, void of any sympathy? 

Ray found himself sinking to his knees. His hands crawled towards one of yours, the one that was closest to him. Though Ray knew that he didn’t deserve you anymore, his fingers still curled around your hand, gripping it tightly, bringing it closer to himself. Your skin was unnaturally warm against his gloves, and even warmer against Ray’s forehead when he leaned into you. The tears wouldn’t stop sliding down his face, one after the other, leaving small trails in their wake. They fell down his cheeks as physical manifestations of an unrelenting, unbearable agony, and Ray couldn’t stifle the occasional sobs anymore. They fought their way past the lump that had been choking him since he’d entered your room.

How pathetic was he, trying to find comfort in you when he was the reason that you were like this in the first place?

Ray was weak. He had never been strong enough. He had been a fool to think that he could protect you from the reaches of the elixir. He had failed you entirely, leaving you stranded as the world closed in around you, destined to drag you into the same hell that Ray had been in for the past year.

Ray would never forgive himself. And he knew that you shouldn’t, either.

But he still couldn’t help hoping that maybe, you would still look at him when you woke up. Even if the elixir changed you, Ray could only pray that you would still speak to him kindly, meeting his eyes, smiling at him from time to time, just like you always had. If only he could keep hearing your voice, curling around him like gusts of gentle wind in the gardens at night, Ray would be okay.

Ray didn’t deserve that from you, but he hoped for it anyways. He knew that he couldn’t live without you. 

He would make this better. He  _ had _ to make this better. 

You just needed to stay by his side- to trust him a little bit longer.


	7. Special (SE Saeran)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You can't say that you think you're entirely special, but Saeran seems to think so. He wouldn't have let you in if you were the same as everybody else.

There’s no denying that you must somehow be special. 

Though you’ve never been able to perceive yourself as anything other than completely ordinary, there had to have been something that set you apart from everybody else in the world. There had to have been, because otherwise, none of this would have made sense. The life that you had found yourself in would not have been possible. There would have been no chance of you ending up in a situation like this, nestled into Saeran’s side, your head on his shoulder as you pretended to watch whatever movie was on the television screen.

His hand was interlaced with yours gently, hidden beneath the blanket that you were sharing, and you relished the feeling of his skin against yours. Saeran was close,  _ so close, _ that you could hardly think of anything else. The feeling of him against you was natural, like it was meant to be, and you could never get enough.

It was all so perplexing to you.

Saeran was somebody who was raised in a world far more cruel, far more malicious than yours. He had been coerced into falling far past rock bottom, left to bleed out and die, completely alone. There had been a long time in which he couldn’t see any hope, couldn’t find any beauty in the world and existed just because he had to. Saeran’s life had been a series of obligations that he was forced into, and he had been too exhausted to resist any further.

If someone who had been through so much, torn to shreds the way Saeran had been, could see something in you, then you must have been special. If you could somehow provide him with a haven, with some semblance of safety, you must have been more than you thought you were. Otherwise, you would not have been able to share these moments with Saeran. You would not be able to lean up against him, to hold his hand, to share gentle, intimate moments of silence with him. You would not have been able to brush your lips against his, to hold him in your arms when he needed to escape the world that had hurt him so. You would not have shared the same plane of existence, could not have found a secret place where the two of you could just  _ be _ . 

There were no expectations. No pretenses. Just you and him. It was profound in its simplicity.

You would never have had the opportunity to share something like this with someone like Saeran, who was so much more than he thought he was- so much more than you could ever hope to be.

He had let you into his life of his own volition. After years of being manipulated and abused, Saeran chose to open the door to his world to you, offering you a hand to wordlessly help you in. You could have taken advantage of him. You could have broken him to pieces just like the rest, but Saeran was trusting that you wouldn’t. He had allowed you to make a home in his heart, and he decided, on his own, to share that home with you.

You still weren’t sure if you were worthy of such a privilege, but there was no denying that Saeran certainly seemed to think so. He thought you were special. 

You weren’t so sure, yourself. But when you angled your head upwards, meeting his eyes and sharing a soft smile that few others saw, you knew that to Saeran, you were so much more than what you thought you were.

You were more than ordinary. You were special.


	8. Cumulonimbus (SE Saeran)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The biting winds of a harsh storm throw you to the ground, and you cower. But the arms around you whisper that you no longer have to bear the torrents alone.

You didn’t really need much. You never had. Sitting like this, with your head against Saeran’s chest, was more than you’d ever known. Your eyes smarted and your lungs felt filled with cotton, stuffed to the brim, and you could barely get in a breath of air. Saeran’s arms were around you, holding you close, and it was that which conveyed to you the depth of his care.

Saeran wasn’t usually one for much physical affection, nor was he one for intimacy in the traditional definition of the word. He showed you love in his own ways, easily overlooked by others, but always noticed by you. His love was the comfortable silence you shared, the occasional cynical banter, and leaning against each other, coexisting in a wonderfully complex universe. 

Saeran loved you. It was glaringly obvious, like the sun in the sky, unobscured by all but the darkest of clouds.

Unfortunately for you, today was a cloudy day.

Your mind was in a haze, overcast, and you struggled to see beyond the cumulonimbus clouds. They towered in your head, denying you the sunlight you so desperately sought, and you felt cold in the wake of the shadows callously tossed over your figure.

You felt heavy and tired, as if you’d been run into the ground one too many times. And like always, Saeran was there in his own way. He held you close like it was the easiest thing in the world, and though raindrops were falling from your eyes, he said nothing. You doubted that you could have heard him through the thunder anyways. 

You didn’t need words, and Saeran knew that. It was the warmth of his embrace, the smell of his shirt, and the feeling of him against you that kept you going. It was the occasional caress of his thumb over your back and the distant thumping of his heart beneath your ear that grounded you just enough for you to keep your eyes open. Though you strained to see anything amidst the storm, you stood as firmly as you could.

You knew that somehow, this would all pass. It had to. It would be a distant memory that you would not have to recall against your will. You would gain the freedom to decide for yourself, to direct your life in the path that you chose to take. You would hold the compass that you were currently being denied.

Saeran continued to say nothing, and you didn’t need him to. You remained overcast, but the rain had finally slowed to a stop. You were lying still in the aftermath, your head pulsating with a dull ache, but the worst had passed.

There were no umbrellas in a world like this, and Saeran could not become one. But he could hold you, keep you close, and serve as a reminder that there was more to your life than cyclones and hurricanes would have you believe. He was a whisper that the cumulonimbus clouds were deceiving you. Without words, Saeran would tell you that though you could not see the world beyond, its sunshine and honey-sweet air was waiting for you. It beckoned you forward, compass in hand.

It was that world that inspired you to persist. 

And so you would. 


	9. Peace (Ray)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Ever since I met you, I thought maybe I can stay. But… Saeran is my real name. Ray never existed in the first place. I’m… Saeran. And this devilish side is also a part of me. Both Ray and Saeran are scared.”
> 
> The only time I wasn’t scared… was when I was with you.”

It was these moments where Ray felt more peace than he’d ever known. The sound of his footsteps in the grass, intermingling with yours, brought him profound tranquility. There was a soft smile on his face, cheeks rosy as he regarded you like you were all of the beauty in the universe gathered into a single person. You looked about the gardens with starlight in your eyes, brighter than the night sky above. Your voice was clear as you spoke, pointing out the orange roses, the purple cosmos, and crimson gardenias. 

Your fingertips would ghost across the petals, brushing against them with the same benignity that you had shown Ray since the day you’d met.

He couldn’t help wishing that he was that flower beneath your fingers. He longed for you to hold his hand, to look into his eyes and understand every last one of his woes.

How beautiful it would be if Ray could grasp a happiness as tender as that one.

  
  


_ “Ever since I met you… I thought maybe I can stay.” _

  
  


Your voice was gentle, even through the phone. It was almost wistful as you spoke about your thoughts, letting them spill into the air with the utmost ease. Ray could hear your smile, and his heart yearned to see it. He wished that there would come a day when he could be the reason behind your joy.

Ray’s workroom was dark, the shadows thick, and the blue-tinted glow of his computers did little to ward off the fear that he felt in the wake of his nightmares. But when he could hear you like this, speaking words of moonlight with a voice of daisies, the shadows seemed to back away. Even they were warded off by your sparkle.

You hadn’t been frustrated when you’d picked up his call, even though it was three in the morning. You hadn’t been annoyed to hear Ray whimper about his nightmares and the intrusive thoughts that crammed his head like a drawer stuffed with too many papers. There hadn’t been an ounce of distaste, even as you observed Ray at his weakest. 

You’d been soft as always as you offered to stay up and speak with him. The tears in Ray’s eyes had finally started to subside, leaving blotchy skin in their wake, and for the first time in a long time, he thought that maybe he could learn to breathe easy again.

You were everything. You were so bright that Ray could hardly see you. You were so good that it hurt.

  
  


_ “But… Saeran is my real name. Ray never existed in the first place.” _

  
  


There were times when Ray couldn’t stop the slew of evil thoughts that bombarded his head. They came from the darkest nooks and crannies of his mind, bubbling up like venom, poisoning his words and blurring his vision. The tears felt disgustingly familiar on his skin, warm and smeary, and they clung to his cheeks like a dirty reminder of his weaknesses.

No matter how many times Ray tried to run from you, to hide this disgusting part of him away, to remain unseen, you always seemed to find him. You continuously subjected yourself to this, looking at Ray with the saddest eyes he’d ever seen, and Ray only berated himself more.

He was ruining this. He would ruin you, just as he’d ruined everything else.

Insults towards himself flew out of Ray’s mouth, fueled by the voice in his head that sneered as Ray wept. He was beating down his own mind, injuries stacking one-by-one in his head, taking up so much space that his sobs backed up in his throat and choked him.

And even so, Ray stilled when you called his name. You came so close that your scent overwhelmed him, nearly knocking him off of his feet. You took one more step and pressed your lips to his, gentle yet firm, and in that single second, Ray felt so much that he could barely breathe.

You were so soft against him.

His stomach had never turned over itself like this. His chest had never tingled in this way. His face had never before blazed with such a fury, fuchsia spreading over his nose and cheeks.

This was the first time that when Ray’s heart stopped, he didn’t think he was dying.

Ray’s hands trembled as you pulled away again. You stood still, wringing your fingers together, eyes filled with nerves. You were just as anxious, just as desperate as Ray. But he couldn’t remember how to think, and looking at you was filling him with too many emotions, flowing out of a crack in the dam that had formed in his mind. Ray couldn’t stop this anymore. He was in too deep, and he didn’t want to let you go.

But you were so much more than him.

And that was why he ran.

  
  


_ “I’m… Saeran. And this devilish side is also a part of me.” _

  
  


Ray couldn’t ever remember much when he wasn’t in control. When the other part of him gained the upper hand and shoved Ray out mercilessly, sending him tumbling into the recesses of his mind, Ray had a tendency to fall asleep. It was hard to see anything through the haze that surrounded him, filling his lungs and throat and burning his eyes. Ray could barely hear anything, the sounds muffled and incoherent. What glimpses he got were vague and senseless, reaching him only when the Saeran was at his most vulnerable.

Usually, the sight of reality, however brief, was a source of comfort. But this time, the snapshots of the world awaiting him brought Ray so much pain that he could barely breathe.

He never wanted your gaze to become filled with such anxiety. He never wanted to see you trembling, backing away in fear, struggling to hold your ground. Ray would rather have died than to see you like this, trapped in the room meant to bring you peace, wasting away as you were denied the very necessities that had kept you afloat.

Ray couldn’t take it. He wept. He pleaded. He begged.

And he was sneered at and stepped on again.

But Ray would take it. If he could bring you respite and make up for his mistakes, he would turn the world upside down with what little strength his bony arms had to offer.

  
  


_ “Both Ray and Saeran are scared…” _

  
  


Your voice sounded just as pained as his as you kneeled on the ground in front of Ray, whose fingers were threaded into his hair, bitten nails digging into the skin of his scalp.

“You’re not weak,” you insisted. “You’re the kindest person I’ve ever met. Please don’t go.”

You pleaded with him, despite the exhaustion in your eyes. Though your skin was pale, your figure quivering as a result of the hunger that had been festering for days, you still looked at Ray with the tenderness of a cotton-candy cloud. You emanated a tangible desperation, your words imploring Ray to remain by your side for just a little bit longer.

But he couldn’t. 

Ray could see the bruise on your neck, the mussed state of your hair, and he could hear the fatigue in your voice. You were exhausted. You were hurt. You were frightened.

And it was Ray’s fault. 

He had failed you. He was unable to protect you when you’d needed it the most, and you were suffering unfair consequences. Consequences that Ray should have been shouldering alone. 

The other voice had gotten to you, wrapped his fingers around you, and shoved you with the same volatility as the insults he spewed at Ray. Ray would have taken it all for you, but he had fallen short in your moment of need.

You couldn’t stay here. Ray had known that from the very beginning. He would never have been enough for you. Pretending could only work for so long.

So it would be best if you left.

You needed to return to your life without looking back. You needed to smile as you always had, letting Mint Eye and Ray fade away forever. Though he wanted to remain in your thoughts, he knew that he didn’t deserve such a privilege. If Ray could dedicate the rest of his life to hurting in your place, maybe he could have started to make up for the pain that you’d suffered.

Ray didn’t want to be without you. He didn’t want to lose your shine, to lose the only semblance of peace he’d ever known. He didn’t want to forget the thrumming of his heart when you smiled at him, or the feeling of your skin against his, or the smell of your hair when you’d kissed him that day.

He didn’t want your light to fade away. Ray had been in the dark for so long, and nothing frightened him more than the shadows and the nightmares that accompanied them. You had chased it all away just by being here, and Ray was afraid of what would happen when they all came rushing back.

But he couldn’t bear to see you hurt anymore. And as he sprung to his feet, head exploding with unimaginable pain, and sprinted away from you, it was that thought that kept his legs from giving out beneath him.

You deserved better. 

Ray would give up his peace if it meant that you could keep yours.

  
  


_ “The only time I wasn’t scared… was when I was with you.” _

  
  


Ray had just run away, but you refused to leave his head.

Your smile was everything. Your eyes were the world, the oceans, and everything beautiful within. And Ray didn’t deserve the happiness that you awarded him.

The door of the workroom locked behind him. He pulled out his phone with shaky hands, turning the screen on and opening the app.

Your contact looked up at him. Your name, little more than pixels on a screen, made his heart bleed as it yearned.

Ray’s thumb hovered over the ‘call’ button. He knew that if he pressed it, all of his efforts to keep you away, to keep you safe, would be squandered.

But he needed your voice. He couldn’t live without your presence, and you awarded him the only tranquility he’d ever known. Ray missed you so desperately that his throat was closing.

He pressed the call button, body still heaving with sobs, and held the phone to his ear. The thrilling of the dial tone echoed in his mind, and Ray was afraid it would never end. 

But the other end clicked, and he heard your voice, cautious, as if you didn’t know what part of him to expect.

_ “Hello?” _

And Ray dared to hope.


	10. Suit Saeran + "I'll take care of you."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt request from Tumblr!

You hadn’t expected this from Saeran. 

You had seen the cracks in his visage for quite some time now, and they’d been growing larger with every passing day. He’d screamed at you, insulted you, and gripped you tightly, as if he was afraid he would crumble to pieces if he didn’t. It hurt, but you had come to expect it. 

Even so, you refused to give up. You could see the reflection of his pain as if you were staring down at the waters of a clear lake, looking past the ripples to find deep, festering wounds. Saeran bled openly, as if he was being stabbed again and again, and though he scrambled to defend himself with outbursts of white-hot rage, the damage had gone too deep.

Saeran had been struggling for quite some time, and you’d seen it from the beginning. Now, it seemed that he was able to see it, too. So when Saeran had come to your room and sat at the edge of your bed, shrouded in the moonlight, eyes pained as he spoke to you, your heart twisted even more. 

You listened to his apologies. You let him thank you. You didn’t say anything as tired words spilled from his mouth, uncharacteristically soft. His voice was fatigued, quiet, and so pained that you felt his hurt like it was your own.

You moved towards him slowly. Saeran held your gaze, and he didn’t jerk away when you put a hand on his shoulder, gently urging him closer. You didn’t expect him to accept your embrace, but he allowed you to guide him into your arms, as if he was too exhausted to pretend that he didn’t want comfort. Saeran’s forehead rested gently on your shoulder, wisps of his hair brushing against your neck and your cheeks, and you curled your arms around him gently.

“It’s okay, Saeran,” you finally spoke, your voice flitting into the moonlight. “I understand. I’ll take care of you.”

You could feel his breath ghosting against your skin as his shoulders rose and fell in a slow rhythm. Saeran seemed to melt into you completely, almost completely slack in your arms.

Saeran was warm. He wasn’t the blazing hot flames of his rage, nor was he the frigid insults he’d been throwing at you for days. He was vulnerable, jagged, and still so warm.

You couldn’t fix everything just yet, but for now, you could do this. You could give Saeran the kindness that he deserved, for as long as he would accept it.


	11. SE Saeran + "Are you hurt? What happened?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt request from Tumblr!

You weren’t sure how you’d managed to separate yourself from Saeran in public, but it had somehow happened. You scanned the people around you, brows furrowed, trying to spot cherry hair amidst the crowd. But you repeatedly came up empty, and the consistent failure was urging your heart to thrum a little bit faster in your chest.

You’d turned away for half a second to look into the window of an antique shop, and he’d just disappeared. 

You knew that Saeran wasn’t crazy about crowds. He usually wouldn’t go out if he could avoid it, but this time, you’d managed to convince him. Apparently, mentioning the new ice cream parlor was all of the incentive that he needed. Saeran seemed fine so far- he was quiet, sporting a perpetually monotonous demeanor, but he always looked like that in public. You hadn’t noticed any problems.

Had it been too much for him, after all? Were you not paying enough attention?

You finally moved away from the windows and continued down the street a little bit, peering into a few shops. Your bottom lip had disappeared between your bottom teeth by the time you fished your phone out of your pocket to call Saeran. Just before you could tap the ‘call’ button, though, you happened to glance into an alley. Bright red hair caught your eyes immediately.

Saeran was sitting on the ground, kneeled over, his back slouched. Instantly, an electric fear jolted through your heart, and you made your way down the alley.

“Saeran, are you hurt?” You asked, gripping your phone so tightly that the skin was pulled taut over your knuckles. “What happened?”

Immediately, your boyfriend turned around and pressed a finger to his lips, mint eyes meeting yours. He looked so serious that you came to an immediate stop, eyebrows pressed into a worried frown.

Saeran didn’t say anything. He moved his hand to beckon you closer.

This time, when you approached, you did so more quietly. Wordlessly, you came up behind him, and when he pointed further into the alley, you followed his gaze to one of the buildings. Near the ground was a window, presumably to a basement, and you could just barely make out a dark shape, illuminated by the lights within.

It was… a cat?

_Oh._

You kneeled down beside Saeran, leaning against him slightly as you regarded the cat. Though your heart was still thumping quickly as a result of your initial anxiety, you were momentarily distracted by how fondly Saeran was looking at the cat. His eyes were intently focused, but there was the smallest upward quirk to his lips.

“It’s cute,” you kept your voice low. “But you can’t go off like that, Saeran. You scared me to death.”

Briefly, Saeran met your gaze. “Sorry.”

You shook your head. “It’s fine. I’m not mad,” your shoulders finally relaxed a little bit as you spoke. “If anything, I think this is really cute.”

Saeran looked back over at the cat, but he didn’t say anything in response to you.

You continued to gaze at your boyfriend, and a slow smile spread across your face. He appeared soft, you thought. You could see the warmth in his eyes, so different from the way he usually looked at the world. You found yourself hoping that there would come a day where he would look like this more often than not.

You glanced back over at the cat, an idea brewing in your mind.

Maybe you would have to have a chat with Saeyoung.


	12. GE Saeran + "I promise."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A prompt request taken from Tumblr!

You were kneeled down by one of the many pots in the house, inspecting the tulip that resided within. Its petals had withered considerably, contorting from a bright, smooth red to a wrinkled scarlet. Its leaves, which had been upright and strong, jutting from the stem only a week ago, were beginning to grow limp, curling down towards the soil.

It was reaching the end of its blooming cycle on schedule, two weeks after it had started.

You stood back up, still gazing down at the flower, your thoughts wandering. It was always a bit of a shame to see the vibrancy begin to fade, but it was the fate of annual bulbs like this one.

You heard footsteps approaching and your eyes flickered over to Saeran. He sent you a smile, which you returned, and he came to a stop directly next to you, peering down at the flower.

“It’s almost completely withered,” he commented, his smile fading a little bit. 

“Yeah, I know,” was your response as you followed his gaze towards the flower. “Right on time, too.”

You heard a small hum from beside you. You looked back over at Saeran, whose face had fallen into a bit of a pout. There was a small crease between his brows as he focused on the tulip, unhappy to see it wilting away. Saeran had a tendency to become quite attached to the flowers and plants that he grew. Watching them wither always dampened his spirits a little bit.

You supposed it wasn’t entirely surprising. Saeran had always found solace in his plants, and for a long time, that was all he had.

“You know it’ll come back next year, right?” You interlaced your fingers with his, and Saeran squeezed your hand a bit.

He examined the flower for a few seconds longer, not responding immediately, before he looked back over at you.

“Yeah, I know,” Saeran’s cheeks rosied ever so slightly as he held your gaze. “Will you be here then, too?”

Your eyebrows raised a little bit. “What? You mean, will I be here next year?”

Saeran nodded, holding your gaze with eyes the colour of the clear seas. Your chest constricted a bit, and you moved from his side to step in front of him. You let go of his hand, instead raising your hands to cup his cheeks gently. You ran your thumbs over the apples of his cheeks, his skin soft against yours.

“Saeran, I’ll always be here,” your voice had lowered in an attempt to convince him of your sincerity. “I promise.”

His lips curled upwards again, arms encircling your waist. “I know,” he admitted after a second. “I just wanted to hear you say it.”

You were immediately comforted by his response, your worried frown melting away. Your hands fell to his shoulders.

“Of course I’ll say it,” you said. “I’d be making a huge mistake if I ever let you forget how much you mean to me.”

Saeran held your gaze for a second, cheeks pink, before he leaned in. His lips pressed into yours in a soft, slow kiss. Your fingers tangled into the strands of his moonlight hair, and you felt him smile into the kiss as your nails gently ghosted against his scalp.

He smelled like the flowers that surrounded you, and it made your heart thrum pleasantly in your chest.

By the time Saeran pulled away, your face had warmed considerably. His eyes were filled with adoration as he gazed at you, and you found it hard to believe that you would ever be the subject of such sincere fondness. Your fingers continued to thread through the hair at the nape of his neck, and Saeran caressed your back with one of his thumbs absentmindedly.

His next words greeted you like a whisper, ghosting across your lips like sunshine. “I’ll never forget.”


	13. Suit Saeran + "Because I fell for you, isn't it obvious?" + "You're in love with somebody else."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt request taken from Tumblr!

You had gotten used to the fighting at this point. You had gotten used to your ears ringing, your nails digging into your hands, and the consistent headaches that arose after bearing so much shouting. Even if you’d known that it was all just a front, it was a struggle to wade through the murky waters on your own. 

Saeran’s insults hurt, but it wasn’t his words that hurt you the most. What tore you apart was to look into his eyes, so painfully familiar, as he stared at you like you were the bane of his existence. 

You’d been so accustomed to those eyes looking at you with adoration, like you were worthy of kindness. You were used to Ray’s fondness towards you, and when Saeran arrived, bringing with him the flames of his anger, you were immediately scorched.

You didn’t hate Saeran. You couldn’t. You cared for him because you knew that he was struggling deep within himself. And that was why seeing him glare at you with so much malice hurt.

So when things started to fall apart, all you could do was hold your breath and hope that he would make it through. You hadn’t seen Saeran in hours, and you’d only heard him when he’d called you earlier, complaining that he’d been throwing up elixir for hours. He had sounded so exhausted, so pained that you weren’t sure what to do.

What could you say that would have the slightest chance at bringing Saeran any comfort when he didn’t want it in the first place?

You gazed down at your phone, contacts pulled up. You stared at Saeran’s name and the blank profile picture next to it, biting your lip as your thumb hovered over the screen. Somehow, this was more nerve-wracking than knowing that you were going to be shouted at. 

But you had to do it.

You pressed the _call_ button without giving yourself a second to hesitate, and held your phone up to your ear. The thrill of the dial tone only prolonged your discomfort, and it went on for far too long until somebody finally picked up.

There was a short silence.

_“What do you want?”_

Saeran’s voice was hoarse. He still sounded exhausted, and it somehow hurt more this time than it did during the last call.

“I just…” you paused for a moment. “Are you okay?”

You managed to entice a sardonic chuckle, and you dared to hope that was a good sign. 

_“Who do you think you are… to come and ask me that?”_ Saeran’s words lacked their usual volatility. _“Are you stupid? Do I sound okay?”_

You picked at a stray thread that jutted out of your bedsheets. “I mean, no. Not really. But I’ve been worried. I needed to call.”

You heard a sharp exhale, like Saeran was trying to laugh but couldn’t muster up the energy.

_“I don’t understand you,”_ he muttered. _“I don’t get how your tiny head works. Why do you bother worrying about someone who’s trying to hurt you? Why do you care?”_

You stopped picking at the thread momentarily, deliberating your words. It took you a moment to muster up the courage to speak again.

“Because I fell for you,” the words tumbled out of your mouth on their own, gently disintegrating in the air. “Isn’t that obvious?”

This time, it was Saeran’s turn to be quiet. You couldn’t hear anything from the other end. The sound of your heart beating was frustratingly loud amidst the silence, and you could have sworn that he could hear it, too.

Your eyes were staring at nothing, your shoulders tense as you awaited an answer. With every second that the silence was drawn out, you felt yourself growing more antsy. Your nerves were aflame, singing the inside of your stomach.

It seemed like ages until Saeran spoke again.

_“No, you haven’t.”_

You went still. Saeran didn’t sound angry. He wasn’t shouting. He wasn’t aggressive or volatile. 

He just sounded empty. And that was even more frightening.

_“Don’t say something so useless. You care about Ray.”_

“No, Saeran,” you interjected in an attempt to assert yourself. You were desperate to get through to him. Your words needed to mean something. You had to get him to believe you, or everything would break apart.

Nobody was helping Saeran. Nobody was standing by his side, or telling him that he was allowed to be hurt, and that it was okay to be vulnerable. He was being pushed to the edge of a cliff, forced past his limit every day, and you were terrified of seeing him fall.

“I care about you just as much as I do Ray,” you insisted. “I’m worried about you. I’m afraid of what’s happening to you. I love Ray, but I love you, too.” 

This time Saeran responded faster, as if spurred on by your words.

_“No. You don’t care for me.”_

You could feel your chest beginning to constrict, cutting off your airflow, and just as you opened your mouth to speak again, he cut you off.

_“You’re in love with somebody else. Not with me.”_

And just like that, the call ended. 

You dropped your hand to your lap, staring at nothing, your thoughts coming undone. Your heart ached with such intensity that you could barely think.

Saeran was walking right towards the edge of the cliff. He was about to fall off, and your attempts at helping him were doing absolutely nothing.

You were petrified that he was about to plummet to the bottom of the abyss awaiting him. The Savior would not hold his hand- she would crush him beneath her heel. She wanted him to break. And you knew that if Saeran fell and shattered, he would never be whole again.


	14. Ray + “I know it’s 2 in the morning but do you want to…” + “Can you sing that song for me again?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A prompt request taken from Tumblr!

Ray, as always, was consumed by thoughts of you. 

They seemed to swim around in his mind all night, poking and prodding at him, distracting him while he was trying to work. Ray couldn’t seem to concentrate for too long, because no matter what he did you clung to his hand, demanding his attention. He could see you clearly, as if you were standing directly in front of him.

Your eyes. Your smile. Your hair. The curvature of your lips.

Ray’s face flushed deeply, and he brought one of his hands up, nibbling on the already short nails in an effort to distract himself. The glow of his monitors was the only lighting in this dark room, and though the shadows usually bothered him, it all seemed to fade into the background as you made his mind your home.

He glanced over at his phone, laying on his desk, and though he knew he shouldn’t, Ray reached out to grab it. He accessed the messenger app, going to his history with you, and scrolled back through the messages. Ray read your words again and again, burning them into his mind, trying to imagine what it would sound like if your voice was reading them to him.

Ray’s heart thrummed in his chest, butterflies swarming his stomach. 

He missed you. _God,_ he missed you.

And before he had it in him to stop himself, Ray found himself pressing the call button beside your name, desperate to hear your voice. He was mad with thoughts of you, his heart filled with so much yearning that it ached. The dial tone rang once, twice, and as the noise dragged out more, Ray’s anxiety increased.

Had he made a mistake? You weren’t picking up.

This was bad. Ray shouldn’t have called you. It was late at night, you were going to wake up and you would be angry with him and want to leave and-

_“Hello? Ray?”_

Your voice broke Ray out of his reverie so suddenly that he could have sworn he had whiplash. His world spun in circles around him as he fought to find an answer, struggling to reorient himself.

“I- uh- sorry!” He stammered, sitting ramrod straight in his chair. “I know it’s late. I shouldn’t have called you. I just- I-”

This was bad. Anxiety bubbled in the pit of his stomach, nausea rising in his throat. He heard a small chuckle from your end, and the sound of your voice through the phone was intoxicating.

 _“It’s okay. You don’t have to apologize,”_ you told him. _“I missed you too. Actually, I was just thinking of you.”_

Ray stilled as your words registered, flitting in his mind like stardust. His mouth opened into a small ‘o,’ but he couldn’t immediately respond.

You’d really missed him? You’d been thinking about him at the same time as he’d been thinking of you? That had to mean something, right? 

No, this couldn’t be a coincidence. You weren’t a coincidence.

A sigh fell from Ray’s lips, which curled back into a slight smile. “Oh… that makes me feel better, actually. I’m glad you were thinking of me. I like to think that we’re connected, even if we’re separated like this.”

Like always, the words tumbled from his lips so quickly that Ray didn’t have time to consider whether or not he sounded stupid. He hoped he didn’t.

“Is there… something you need? If anything’s uncomfortable, please tell me.”

Ray could hear you shuffle around a bit, and his heart constricted. If he closed his eyes and tried hard enough, maybe he could pretend that he was by your side, where he so desperately wished to be.

_“Actually, if you’re okay with it, I do have a favor to ask. I know it’s two in the morning but… can you sing that song for me again?”_

Ray paused. His thoughts crawled back to a few nights ago when you’d called at a similar hour. Your voice had been just as sleepy as it was now, and he’d missed you just as bad. Did you actually want to hear him sing again?

Had you really liked it?

“You mean, the lullaby?” Ray’s cheeks were a deep pink, the flush spreading across his nose and cheeks, tinting the tips of his ears.

 _“Yeah that one,”_ you spoke as if you were smiling. _“But only if you have time. Don’t force yourself.”_

Ray shook his head, momentarily forgetting that you couldn’t see him “No- It’s no trouble. I’d love to. It’s the least I can do. I don’t want you to get sick because you didn’t sleep well.”

There was a short pause as you shifted again, like you’d rolled over in your bed.

_“I’m ready. Thank you, Ray. It means a lot.”_

Ray’s pulse had sped up, thrumming sweetly in his chest. You trusted him- that’s why you were asking him to do this for you. You were allowing him to take care of you, and the thought was so gentle that his mind almost felt blank.

So, though Ray was overcome with awkward nerves, he still sang to you. He imagined the stars in the song smiling at you, plastered on the ceiling, showering you in stardust. He imagined you beneath the blankets, holding your phone, thinking of him. He dared to imagine that, one day, he could lie there with you, your arms around him, his head tucked beneath your chin.

How nice that would be.

So when Ray was finished and you were asleep, just as you had been last time, he allowed a few tender words to fill the silence, sending them off in the hopes that they would permeate your dreams.

“Sleep well, my angel,” his voice was low. “I hope you only have good dreams. Maybe next time, I can lie there with you and hold your hand.”

And as Ray ended the call, putting the phone back on his desk, he found that this room didn’t feel quite as oppressive as before. His eyes flickered back to his computer screens, fingers finding their way to the keyboard.

Yes, Ray could do this.

If it were for you, he could do anything.


	15. Unknown + "If it means anything, I love you."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt request taken from Tumblr!

“Why are you just standing there?”

Unknown’s question prompted your return to earth, and your eyes instantly darted over to his. He was sitting in his chair as usual, turned just far enough to be able to look at you, standing in the middle of the room as if you were lost. As always, something seemed to glimmer in his gaze, but you couldn’t quite understand what it was. 

Making eye contact was a mistake. Your chest began to constrict, growing tighter as if trying to suffocate you. You found yourself plagued by the same feelings as always, and your struggle to shove them away was futile.

You knew you shouldn’t care for this man. From the very beginning, you’d been taken as a tool. You’d made a single mistake, lied to him about a keypad, and next thing you knew, you were here.

Wherever _here_ was.

‘Paradise,’ he’d told you when you’d asked. But that didn’t make much sense, either. He spoke about this place like it was removed from Earth, a separate plane of existence. It certainly felt that way to you, as you hadn’t seen the outside world in longer than you cared to think about.

But you’d learned to stop trying to find out. Unknown wasn’t as cruel as he could have been, but he certainly became volatile if you asked too many of the wrong questions. It was easier to avoid as many incidents as possible.

That brought you back to your current predicament.

Why _were_ you just standing there? Were you supposed to be doing something?

You finally remembered how to speak. “Sorry,” you tried. “I spaced out. Did you need something?”

Unknown quirked an eyebrow. He abandoned whatever he was doing on his computer to swivel his chair around, facing you. He was quiet for a second, staring at you with eyes resembling flickering teal flames. 

“Don’t tell me you’re _this_ useless.”

His tone stung. You pressed your lips into a line, but he continued. “The only reason you’re here is because I let you be. You’re a liar, but I took pity on you. You should be grateful. The least you can do is try to redeem yourself, don’t you think?”

Something about the way he spoke to you left you feeling small. You dug your teeth into the inside of your bottom lip, hoping that the stinging would ground you. 

Like always, you submitted. It was easier to avoid confrontation as much as you possibly could. The energy that used to spur you to fight back had been all but drained completely.

“You’re right,” you tried to keep your voice level. “I’m sorry.”

You weren’t even sure if you meant it anymore, but it was safer not to debate that too much. Unknown seemed to be able to read your internal conflict. His lips curled into the ghost of a smirk, and you didn’t miss the satisfied gleam in his eyes. He seemed to take pride in reducing you to this, making you feel infinitely small. 

You knew he wanted somebody to dominate. You knew that by giving in so easily, you were giving him what he wanted. It was frustrating, but you had learned that fighting back directly got you in more trouble. Unknown wasn’t easy on you regardless- if he needed something to get angry about, he would find it. But this way, you could avoid being the target of his scorn as much as possible.

Besides, you didn’t want him to get angry with you. You didn’t want him to glare at you with such hostility, like you were made for him to step on. You wanted to be more than a pebble beneath his shoe. 

You wanted to mean something.

Unknown raised a hand and beckoned you forward with two fingers. “Come here, doll.”

It was frustratingly easy for him to get you to do what he wanted, and he knew that. You approached him in his chair, and when he took your wrist and gave it a tug, you instantly knew what he was seeking. You allowed him to guide you into your usual position atop his lap, his arms snaking around your waist. You knew it was about control- about keeping you in place, whether you wanted it or not. It was about stripping you of the freedom to choose for yourself. 

You’d gotten used to the feeling of him against your back, the absentminded circles he would trace into your side or your stomach with his free hand, and the way your pulse would speed up in response. In those moments, you could almost pretend that he was being nice to you. That this meant more than you knew it did. 

It wasn’t fair. You didn’t want this. You never had. 

You hadn’t wanted to come here in the first place, and you most certainly refused to accept that you were really feeling this way for your captor. Hadn’t you suffered enough misfortune? Why did the world have to add this to your list of problems? 

Your head was full, swimming with myriads of words that you would never be able to grasp. They would continuously slip through your fingers, leaving you tired and yearning, desperate for anything to keep you tied to reality. 

Anything to keep you tied to him. 

Maybe it was that longing for connection that pushed you to speak again.

“If it means anything, I love you.”

The words fell into the room before you realized you’d spoken.

You could have sworn that Unknown stilled for a second, the single hand he’d been typing with coming to a stop.

Then, you felt him move. He leaned down to speak into your ear, tightening the arm that had been snaked around you.

“Of course you do, doll,” you could hear the smirk in his voice. “This is Paradise. And I’m the angel that brought you here. You should love me.”

You felt hazy, your heart thumping with trepidation. Nothing felt real anymore.

You shouldn’t have said it. You knew that. It would never mean a thing, and you weren’t sure if you could stand living a life without something to hold onto.

“I’ll bring the rest of the RFA here. And those filthy traitors will suffer. I’ll crush them under my feet, turn them to dust. If you love me, you’ll help me do it.”

His breath ghosted against the shell of your ear. “Though, you’ve never had much of a choice to begin with.”

You didn’t say anything. Your jaw had been wired completely shut, but you wouldn’t have been able to find any words, regardless. You felt sick to your stomach, your head hot as you the implications of his words hit you all at once.

You were nothing to him. You were only a tool. And since you’d dared to voice your emotions and show him honesty, he would grip it tightly and twist it to use you as well as he could. You had a part to play, and he dictated it. Unknown was dead set on his revenge- it was all he could see. Nothing else mattered.

Not even you.


	16. Candlelight (SE Saeran)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts bubbled into Saeran’s throat and remained there, stuck behind iron bars. He trembled, lost in the night, but you flickered in the horizon as the light of a small candle, ready to guide him back home.

There were times where shadows clung to Saeran tighter than he’d like to admit.

Though his world had changed immeasurably since realizing the magnitude of the misfortunes that had befallen him, Saeran’s struggles hadn’t ceased. If anything, they’d held onto him tighter, like vultures circling above, waiting for a moment to strike.

And tonight, they’d found an opportunity. 

Nothing ever compared to the disgust and misery slathered into Saeran’s mind after waking from a nightmare. It was like a stain on an otherwise white shirt, permeating out from the point of impact and defiling everything past repair. Saeran’s breath was stuck in his throat, stones rattling in his stomach, and bile began to burn his throat. Glass tears fell from his eyes and shattered into the crook of his elbow, where he’d buried his face in an attempt to stifle himself. 

You were still asleep beside Saeran, and he struggled to suffocate himself enough to not wake you. You were a silent anchor that Saeran sought out when he needed grounding, but he didn’t dare rouse you from your dreams. It felt like a sin to burden you any further, and Saeran feared that if he sinned much more, he would never be able to turn back. 

His life was a series of misfortunes. Of lies, abuse, betrayal, and a rage so vile that it bubbled in his mouth like bitter poison. It haunted him like flickers of dying light, flashing in his mind again and again, burning failures into the back of his eyelids. Even with his eyes closed, Saeran was unable to escape the confines of his past. It was all proof of his ineptitude. Saeran was the one who’d been foolish enough to fall victim time and time again, convincing himself of his strength when he’d truly never been weaker. Even now he was a festering wound, and he didn’t know how to callous. 

Saeran had found traces of a life outside of the cesspool that he’d come from, but he would never truly be free. Ridding himself of his past was a task impossible, and Saeran wasn’t sure if he deserved such a luxury in the first place. 

Who was he to seek a night of restful sleep? What gave him the right to long for days of golden tranquility and streams of sunlight? It was sweet-  _ too sweet _ \- and Saeran deserved none of it. 

His breath hitched in his throat, and he dug his fingers into the flesh of his arms just a little bit tighter with the hope that the sting would cease his whimpering. 

But it was too late. The damage had already been done. 

You shifted from next to Saeran, and he burrowed himself deeper into the crooks of his arms, desperate for something to swallow him before you looked. He would stain your sight, drive you away, and you would disappear. Saeran would be alone again. 

That thought speared directly into his heart. 

Though Saeran knew the magnitude of his sins and dedicated himself to bearing the consequences of all that he’d done, there was a selfish part of him that craved your presence. Saeran didn’t deserve you, and you deserved better. But the thought of losing you caused his throat to constrict, screwing itself shut, and breathing was no longer possible. 

He couldn't lose you, too.

Saeran would offer every last trace of his being to this suffering if it only meant that you would remain within reach. But he feared that his sacrifices would never be enough. 

Saeran could hear you speaking, but he couldn’t quite understand you. Your words were muddled as they traversed through the fog surrounding him, and once they'd reached him, they'd been twisted into something entirely different from what they had once been. He could feel you scooting closer, moving slowly, and he was prepared for when your fingers gently touched his shoulder, gauging his reaction. When Saeran didn’t react with hostility, your hand traveled to his back, gently urging him closer. He allowed you to guide him towards you, and your arms gently circled around him. The warmth you offered was unparalleled, a small flicker of candlelight amidst an endless smear of black. You were not so bright that you blinded him, but you were just strong enough to illuminate Saeran’s surroundings so that he could see. He nestled into your embrace and the comfort if offered, arms unfolding, wrapping around you, gripping the fabric of your shirt. 

Saeran held onto you as if you were the only thing worth treasuring. You didn’t say much- you never did- but you held him firmly, planting occasional kisses to his head. He could hear your heartbeat, reverberating in his mind like the echoes of a drum. He focused on the thrumming, allowing it to become a rhythm that he could follow. 

It was your arms, your voice, and your heartbeat that had guided Saeran home so many times. And tonight you took his hand again, pioneering a new way back, building a path that he could follow again in the future. And as Saeran finally returned back to you, his tears slowly began to subside. The vines that had grown from his lungs began to disintegrate, and he could finally taste fresh air. A headache pounded at the base of his skull, his eyes smarting, but you were still there. Your occasional words began to make sense again, and you finally felt real. 

Saeran’s grip on you tightened just a bit as if desperate to keep you near. 

He had made it home again. 


	17. VAE Saeran + "It looks good on you."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A prompt request taken from Tumblr! I am... weak for VAE Saeran. To say the least.

Saeran was nervous. You could tell. There was a slight crease between his eyebrows and his lips were thinned, not allowing a single word to slip out as he fussed with his clothes. He tugged at the cuffs of his suit jacket a bit, like he was trying to get it to lay just right, but it never seemed to cooperate.

It was clear that the upcoming party was weighing heavily on Saeran’s mind. He couldn’t relax.

Though, you supposed that wasn’t entirely surprising. You knew how hard this had been on him. Saeran had spent the last two years struggling to recover, and it had been far from pretty. The days were long and the nights even longer, filled with rage, tears, and nearly endless dissociation. Saeran had been fighting with himself as much as he’d been fighting with the rest of the world.

The injuries that he’d suffered only compounded his struggle. Saeran struggled to look at himself in the mirror, the remnants of his past consistently plaguing him with memories he didn’t want. It was only reasonable that he would be so nervous, especially as the time for departure grew near. Saeran was apprehensive about seeing his brother, but he was even more apprehensive about Saeyoung seeing him.

There was little you could do or say to make his anxiety go away completely, and you knew that. But it didn’t feel right to stand here and watch Saeran struggle with himself, silenced thoughts stuffed into the back of his throat. You had to say something, even if it wouldn’t help much.

You couldn’t stay quiet.

“Hey,” you spoke up from beside him, trying to approach the subject with care. “You’ll be okay.”

Mint eyes met yours. Saeran’s eyebrows were still pushed together, but he looked more worried than angry, his lips curled downwards into a pensive frown. He glanced down between the two of you, and you felt his hand nudge yours slightly. Without a word you turned your palm over, allowing Saeran to curl his fingers around yours. 

“You’re still worried, right?” You asked the obvious, if only to get Saeran to engage. He responded with a nod, still looking down at your hands. You gazed at him, and for a second, all that you could hear was the two of you breathing. You hadn’t gotten through to him quite yet.

You lifted your free hand and cupped Saeran’s cheek gently. Your thumb passed over the edges of raised, calloused skin in a gentle caress. Some of his bangs brushed against your knuckles, and you gently nudged them out of his eyes, which fluttered back up to you.

“You’ll be great,” you gave him a smile, hoping that it would lift his spirits, even if just slightly. “And I’ll be there the whole time. You’re not doing this alone.”

The crease between his brows seemed to fade just a little bit at your words, like they were finally starting to sink in.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Saeran’s voice was soft when he finally spoke.

It was nice to hear him talk so calmly. 

You’d been used to some of the instability over the past two years. There were times when he had spoken in rage, shouting and cursing. There had been times where he’d shut down and hadn’t spoken at all. And there were times like now, where his voice was smooth and gentle, settling into the space around you with the utmost ease. It was almost tranquil.

Saeran was speaking like this more often lately, and it brought you immense relief. You knew that the anger and lingering pain would never completely fade, but you hoped that there would come a day where they wouldn’t exhaust him this much.

“I’m not going anywhere,” you responded. “I promised, remember?”

Saeran nodded. Your hand descended from his cheek, moving to his coat, and you straightened out the lapel slightly. Somehow, the pink suited Saeran. It was sweet, matching the tips of his hair. The coordination, though unintended, left you feeling slightly endeared. Colours like this suited him.

“I like this pink on you,” you mused. “It’s cute.”

Saeran glanced down for a second, taking in his clothes like he was seeing them again for the first time. After he finished his examination, he looked back up at you. “You think so?”

You smiled, letting go of his coat. “Yeah. It looks good on you.”

Saeran’s cheeks became rosy, the flush spreading across his cheeks and the top of his nose. There was the slightest upward quirk to his lips, and the ghost of a smile urged your heartbeat to thrill in your chest. You felt a sense of accomplishment upon seeing him relax, comforted by the knowledge that Saeran could still find it within himself to smile. There had been a time where you weren’t sure if you would ever see him like this again.

It hurt you to think about how much Saeran had struggled, and how much he still fought with himself. But seeing him like this, calm, clad in a cotton-candy pink, with the faintest smile adorning his face, you were filled with hope for the future. Hope that he could finally live the life that he’d deserved.

You wanted Saeran to believe that things could be better. 

This time, it was your smile that began to falter as you gazed at him. Your chest began to feel tighter as the seconds went by. 

“Hey,” your voice was quieter this time. “You deserve this. You deserve to be happy.”

Your worry must have been obvious.

This time, it was Saeran who cupped your cheek, his touch so gentle it was barely there. He always treated you like glass, his fingertips ghosting across the skin beneath your eyes before tracing the curvature of your cheek. He seemed to take note of your concern, though, and tried to abate it in his own way.

“You make me happy.”

Your hand raised to cover his. It was warm beneath your palm. 

“I know,” you said. “But I also know you’re frightened, and I want you to believe that your fear is worth facing. Because it is. The world has a lot of beauty to offer, and you deserve to see it all.”

Saeran held your gaze, eyes filled with such fondness that it permeated the air around you. He looked at you like you were everything. You could only hope that he would, at some point, look at the rest of the world like this, too.

You moved his hand from your cheek and pressed a gentle kiss to one of his knuckles.

There was a side to the world that Saeran had been denied. And you wanted to ensure that he would get there someday, as the ghosts of the distant past slowly faded away.


	18. Splinter (Ray)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ray’s arms around you are as firm as they are unsure. He loves you deeply, even as your world splinters away.

There were times when it was hard to believe that things would ever get better. 

Times when you couldn’t think. When you could barely move. When the world was so far out of reach you swore that you would never find it again. 

There were times when everything was pitted against you, like you were fated to spend the rest of your life living out days encased in a hard shell of suffering. 

Times when your entire world had flipped upside down, leaving you to writhe in the wake of its destruction. 

Nothing ever felt quite as demeaning as the tears that rolled down your face in those moments. They were hot and cruel, clinging to your skin with sticky fingers, and no matter how often you wiped at them, they would reappear within seconds. 

They were a reminder of the persistence of your pain, and you hated it so much you could barely breathe. 

He was the only one who could remind you that the world wasn’t all bad. 

Ray would sit and hold you close every time you broke down. When you would disintegrate into fragments of yourself, he would be there to gather the shards of who you once were, even if they cut his fingers. There would sometimes be a slight tremble to his arms, curled around you, and you knew that he was afraid of saying or doing anything to make you feel worse. But he would still persist, holding you as you cried. He would whisper soothing words that tried to chip away at the darkness stuck to your skin, and even if they were unsuccessful, you treasured them just the same. 

Your mind was smeared into a conglomeration of failures, mistakes, and pain. And it  _ hurt.  _

But when Ray was there, you felt that maybe, you might be okay. 

He was soft and gentle, a bouquet of unsure flowers, beautiful as a rose and delicate as baby’s breath. Ray was an anchor to you in these moments, even if he didn’t believe so. 

And as your body wracked with sobs, your fingers digging into the fabric of his magenta blazer, Ray remained in place. He allowed you to cling to him, to cry on him, and to burrow yourself into him in an attempt to escape your fate. You held into him tightly, like if he were to disappear, you would too. 

Ray would shed tears for you. He would feel with you. He would wish to take your pain away, and he would feel inadequate because he couldn’t. But he would comfort you all the same, never once knowing the magnitude of what he was doing for you. 

And as long as Ray was here, you thought that maybe, things might get better again. 

If Ray continued to hold you in his arms, pressing his lips to the crown of your head with promises of a sweeter future, you may remember a life outside of the agony that plagued you so mercilessly. 

Maybe, you might just remember how to breathe again. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> originally posted to my tumblr (@ilupant)


End file.
